6 weeks with Martina

I'm 6 weeks post partum and I'm wondering - is it too late to write my birth story? :)

I normally am the kind of person who needs to write things down to process things, and I wonder now if I've totally changed, because I've barely had a me-moment since Martina came and I seem to be doing just fine.

I wonder sometimes -- am I just troopering through this? Will a major meltdown eventually get the best of me?

But I've survived 30 days without a bath (which is another story), my longest sleep stretch so far has been 3 straight hours (last night), and I pretty much still spend whole days in cute pajamas and milk-stained shirts. We've been yaya-less, my mother-in-law has died and my husband has not been here as much as he'd like because of her illness, but you know what? Martina and I are doing great. She's definitely feeding well and has gained at least 4 pounds. Breastfeeding is painful but guess what it is doable. And I have the beginnings of a small stash in the freezer that I aim to build up in the next two weeks before I re-enter the world.

And I'm sitting in my nursing chair as I type this and really really really I am just grateful for everything. If one thing has changed about myself since becoming a mom, maybe it's that. I'm more grateful, which makes me more "chill" about this whole mommy business.

I haven't decided if I am mama or mommy or just mom, but you now what? I kind of like this new me.
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komono giveaway

So thrilled to be at the final stage of #konmari, after almost 10 months!

Posting this here in case anyone wants to inherit some of my CDs. All i ask is you cover the shipping fee. 🙃

Comment which one you want. 👌🏼 Doves - Lost Souls
The Ordinary Boys - Over the Counter Culture
Beth Orton - Trailer Park
Hole - Celebrity Skin
Doves - The Last Broadcast
The Offspring - Americana
Delays - Faded Seaside Glamour, Mumm-Ra
The Killers - Sam's Town
Franz Ferdinand - You Could Have It So Much Better
Suzanne Vega - Songs In Red and Grey
MTV Alternative Nation
Power of Soul - Tribute to Jimi Hendrix
Marjorie Fair - Self Help Serenade
Beck - Mutations
Phantom Planet - The Guest

crazy doll dreams

I rarely dream, and if I do I rarely remember.

But last night I supposedly gave birth at home, afterwhich I was entertaining some visitor and didn't notice -- my baby had taken its first steps! Only to fall and get a cut on the side of her forehead, which of course made me panic. I swaddled baby to comfort her, and kept unswaddling to check if she was still breathing. I would be sleeping and would wake up and frantically check on her breathing. Then, because I was too tired, I somehow managed to let her slip from my arm and she fell with her back on the floor. I picked her up only to find out her back was broken, and it looked like she was made of plastic. I was handling a doll all along!

The interesting thing is it continued on to a scene where I found myself in a sort of airport, where I saw my friend Johanna, who confided that she birthed and lost a baby. For some reason we ended up in Johanna's car, and we were on my way to the doctor where I was told -- You are 9 weeks pregnant! I remember thinking to myself -- wow, I guess the baby doll was a real baby doll and not a baby because how could I have just given birth if I'm 9 week on the way?

I think this crazy dream was brought about by episode 11 of Greys Anatomy which we just saw last night. There was talk of April and Avery losing their baby, and I remember feeling really sad at that scene when Avery smashed their gorgeous black crib and made a mess of the nursery.

On the other hand, it could also be my subconscious picking up on the good news that yet another one of my good friends is pregnant! What is it with the water some 608 months ago? I have at least 4 high school friends and 3 college friends who are happily on the family way this year!

Maybe my intuition also picked up on the first of my boxes being delivered today -- the biggest one! -- because I skipped yoga and spent the entire day yesterday converting my old desk into the changing/bathing station, as per Mister's request. It took me all of 10 minutes to fill it up with the baby things that had arrived, because all the drawers had been wiped clean and disinfected yesterday.

I can tell martina is coming soon, my nesting instincts are on overdrive.

you are gold

When your husband wakes up with a start and his first thought is that you're dead - you know it's going to be a great day.

For a new grandmother, meals shared with each other's families and a five-year-old who makes greeting cards, and perfectly cooked lamb and coming home to each other every night - I am grateful for all I have. And for everyone around me.

It's only been a week here at our new place, we're far from fully settled in, but I feel like I have everything I need.

Here's an awesome video of the day that was, one of those perfect days that only happens once in a lifetime. It was surreal.


the crazy ones

The truth is I'm not scared anymore, even if the future is so uncertain. Theres only one person who asked -- but no I'm not pregnant hahaha yet i have this boy who wants to marry me sooner than i expected - and the wedding is happening really soon - in 39 days - and we got engaged what? 3 months ago.

Crazy as that sounds it's even crazier planning a destination wedding in such a short span of time - but there are so many good people who help, and so many blessings along the way.

Like yesterday - I saw my guardian angel up close. I got back from the ATM, into my car, ready to move along when this guy just stations himself in front of my car and wouldn't move despite my beeping. Few seconds and this black car comes speeding from my left and I didn't even feel how fast it all happened because this truck from right in front of me collided with the black car and hit the driver's side. If that guy hadn't been there it would have been me, and I wouldn't be typing this entry.

So much has changed and so much will still change and it's 39 days left and I haven't even had time to imagine the new life I will soon lead. I don't even know if things will really only get better, or if this is all there is to it.

Either way it still isn't so bad. He is starting a business and is stressed about it, I'm taking a break from work soon and am rushing the wedding planning. I guess we take turns being stressed and now it's my time to step up and let things go.

One thing I regret is not being able to document these days, my final days as a single girl - I haven't been faithful to my 5year journal - I wish I had the time.

After this week ill be done with all the accommodations, legal and church requirements, invitations. I can focus on the details. On the the little things I really want.

But more importantly ill be taking a break for a week meeting God in my mountain my annual retreat and I'm already making a mental note of things to bring - instant brewed coffee, Splenda, fibre, lemons, a cozy blanket, maybe a pillow. I'm going to maximize 7 days of unadulterated silence.

And then 3 days in Batanes, the place I've always dreamed of - I will take it all in because I won't be able to on my wedding day. On that day, my only hope is I'm able to deliver vows as eloquently and as gracefully as possible. I am only going to present one man to God as my husband, and when I take him into my life I want it to be a moment both of us will always remember.

It's crazy sometimes - especially lately. But I know all the things that are said in between do not mean a lack of love. And our love wouldn't be what it is if not for the things that hurt us, because when we hurt we learn to forgive and get over things and ask God for help and guidance and understanding -- we learn to put others first - and if what we have isn't real and lasting I don't really know what is.

I'm madly in love with the person I'm going to marry - and what can I say, I guess love is for the crazy ones.

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bye bye venus

I paid my bills, paid for a new laptop that will hopefully arrive next week, and reconfigured my financial plan.

I wore my special underwear, finished strong in my morning workout, and in the evening ate a whole 4 cheese pizza by myself.

The highlight of the day is my first calligraphy lesson with Alessa - we are learning together, and aim to one day be really good at it enough to teach it (maybe) or be bold enough to calligraph wedding invitations for a fee, or even make calligraphy-patterned wrapping paper in time for Christmas!

This is what I did to celebrate the end of Venus Retrograde, which brought intense bad luck to a few friends (Alessa included) and which signaled an ending in my case -- the end of anxiety is the return of positivity.

And everything is possible again. :)

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for all their hearts' desires

When I stop writing, I get into a lot of trouble.

It's like I need to write it down to assure myself I'm taking it all in -- all the things I do and hear and see and definitely want to remember.

I haven't written in so long, and I miss writing, about us. Having friends who listen must have spoiled me. Today I wrote an email to a couple of friends, thanking them for listening. Because where will I be if I didn't have friends who are expert at listening, who gladly process my thoughts for me, and in that sense silence my many fears.

Euge took me to Baclaran Tuesday night, and as we sat there I almost couldn't pray. On the way there I received a message from an old friend, who kindly reminded me of that previous phase in my life, and my then constant prayer. I just thought about that while I sat on the pew.

We lit a lot of candles. I tried my best to remember everyone and their hearts' desires.
for all their hearts' desires @mickpang @anngax @aysa_fd @jazsantoyo @jean2madrid

The truth is, love will find you in whatever form or shape or sound, and when it comes, your task is to be ready. It means you are ready again.

And I realized, sometimes there is so much love around me but I tend to push it all away! It's a beautiful gift and for a while I haven't seen it that way.

So on to the brighter side -- there should be a sense of calm knowing you will never be let go, and i'm slowly, slowly, inching my way back in, remembering how it once was, keeping in mind there are many things to look forward to, and someone out there is truly ready for me.

So maybe I don't have to deal with everything all at once.
  • Current Music: The Time of Times - Badly Drawn Boy

on being constructive

In the middle of a heated argument, love is

me, putting down the phone so we can both take a breather, calling you back after five seconds.

you, putting down the phone so you can take a shower, calling me back after twenty minutes, and with a less drained heart telling me: everything will be all right.

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a spaghetti Friday

Monday was the great chicken experiment.

And this is his version of a love letter.

Friday called for spaghetti while watching a Hitler movie -- which we discovered after watching a series of airport brawl videos on YouTube.

The unexpected turn of events led to "our first spaghetti date"; that's what he said.

Life isn't always sunshiny but when we get to spend time together it's easier to look with joy at the minor details--sometimes I thrive on them:

A slice of chocolate cake, craftily iced with a chocolate weave...

Crumpled bills that make like a flower arrangement on the warm kitchen counter...

A sense of forthcoming rain, as I looked up and saw the fire tree in bloom as I made my way home.

It's almost the end of summer. How are you?

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